


I’d rather lie than tell you I’m in love with you

by Iammissingautumn



Category: Bill & Ted (Movies)
Genre: Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, first is ted last two are bill, i forgot i wanted to write this for the other fic I did and then just wrote smth else, so im making up for lost time, switching POVs, they have a friend break up and then they get back together but then not as friends
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:48:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27874858
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iammissingautumn/pseuds/Iammissingautumn
Summary: Two boys are in love with each other but its hard when your best friend stops hanging out with you and doesn’t really explain so you gotta confront him.
Relationships: Ted "Theodore" Logan/Bill S. Preston Esq.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> cw, Bill uses “gay” in a derogatory way

Ted didn’t know what he had planned when he went up to Bill. But now they were outside of the school by the bike rack and Bill was waiting for him to say a thing. Yet he didn’t know what to say. 

“Do you need something, Ted? I kinda got.. somewhere to be.” Bill asked, looking down at where his bike was locked on. 

“Yeah, I wanted to uh…” Ted’s mouth went dry. 

He had been angry just this morning. He knew because he felt bad for being angry. Or maybe not angry. Frustrated? He wasn’t sure but he knew it was some sort of anger thing. Otherwise he wouldn’t have been rude to Duncan this morning after the kid attempted to talk to him while Ted was thinking about it. 

“Why are you avoiding me?” Ted attempted while standing tall. He was already tall next to Bill but his attention was fully on this. 

“Ted, come on. I’m not avoiding you.”

So maybe his feelings on those types of responses was why he thought he had been angry this morning. 

“Bill, dude, I’m not as stupid as I act. You aren’t talking to me as much, we don’t hang out after school, we don’t do anything dude. You wouldn’t do that stuff if you weren’t avoiding me!” 

Ted didn’t care; he just wanted his best friend back. 

“Just because I’m not hanging out with you every single second of every day does not mean I’m avoiding you dude. It’s not like that. I’m just doing school.” 

Bill acted like Ted had no way to tell he was lying. Like he didn’t know Bill at all. They didn’t spend all that time together for nothing, at least Ted didn’t. 

“But why do you care about school all of the sudden bro?” 

“Because it’s important dude!”

“Then why can’t we study together? Why didn’t you bring it up to me? Why do you dip when I walk towards you in the halls and why do you always reject me every time I wanna hang out?”

“Ted. Dude.” Bill’s voice reverberated off the brick walls outside the school and it immediately shut Ted up. “As they said dude, we aren’t dating, I don’t need to spend the most time with you. I’m not some gay looking to spend my life with you. Give me some space!”

Ted was frozen while Bill started unlocking his bike. They never… They didn’t talk to each other like that. And now Ted felt certain something was wrong because there was no other reason Bill would do that. He wasn’t like that. He wouldn't say stuff like that. Right? The idea of Bill meaning this made it feel like his heart was being squished. He didn’t like it. 

And then, Bill was putting his lock on his bike and getting ready to head off “Wait!”

Ted didn’t expect for him to pause yet he did. “I still don’t get it. We’re supposed to be best friends and then one day you just… leave?”

“I have things I gotta do. School work, helping my dad out more, he's been spending more time with me, and I… I have a girlfriend.” Ted didn’t know why that made him want to cry but he tried to ignore it. “Whatever dude, I’m heading out.”

Ted knew Bill cared about his father, there was this quiet wanting for them to actually be closer that he had heard about and seen. Mr. Preston had been distant for a long time, so Bill pausing to spend real quality time with him wasn’t crazy. 

The school part was… something. He didn’t think Bill had cared but they were getting older so… school mattered a bit more he guessed. Mr. Preston always had a weird thing with school, sometimes he cared sometimes he didn’t. Before this he had heard he was one a “you have to graduate” kick. 

Now the girlfriend thing had surprised him. It had made everything seem unreal and for a moment Ted couldn’t help but wonder if this was a strange dream. But it wasn’t because he would have startled himself awake by now. That's what usually happened. 

But… Ted didn’t get it. He was grounded for one spring break and now Bill had a girlfriend? He… He didn’t find it unbelievable. He always was surprised that Bill didn’t have more girls going after him, though at the same time it wasn’t like he was searching much. 

Ted wasn’t sure what came over him as his back hit against the wall. But then he was sitting on the ground and hugging his knees. He didn’t get it, he didn’t. Did they need to be dating for him to care about him? He knew he wasn’t supposed to usually be this close to other boys, but he never got close to other boys like this. He never cared this much. 

Ted looked up for just a moment, and now Bill was riding down the sidewalk except… he turned his head to look at him. And they locked eyes for the most longest moment. 

Ted didn’t like this. He didn’t like Bill, even for a second, seeing him so unraveled in this way. Unraveled because of him. He just… He thought their relationship meant something. It had to, right? They hung out so often and stuck together through so much. Yet… 

The only thing Ted knew was that he didn’t know a damn thing. And for once he was terribly upset about that.


	2. Even my phone misses your calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cw for re: more using gay in a vaguely derogatory way

The day Bill decided he would break up with his girlfriend was what most would say was an uneventful day. His dad would say he was a bit quieter than usual and Jennifer would comment how it was different than he wasn’t calling her just as much and still hadn’t today. But it wasn’t earth-shatteringly different. They were dating for three weeks now and it was bound for them to slow down. 

It was a normal sunny day. 

Of course, the people around him wouldn’t know the guilt that ate him up inside. They wouldn’t be thinking that the image of his best friend on the brink of tears was stuck in his head. Or more so they wouldn’t think that he would be upset over the fact that he didn’t take a sharp turn to stop his quick start to stop himself and god help the only person who has meant the world to him. 

And they wouldn’t think that he was struggling with those gay jokes that were made. The one his dad started making when spring started and stopped saying around Missy because she would tell him to stop. The ones aimed at him and Ted. 

Or how even a teacher had made a comment about it. 

No, there was no reason to think about that. It was a sunny day. A normal sunny day. 

But then Bill opened the door and Deacon was staring back at him. 

And then the image was back in his head, and it was weird how Deacon’s jawline matched Ted’s. What a random similarity for the kid to have in common with him, and yet that Bill couldn’t get over. 

“Hey, my brother wanted me to drop some of your stuff off.” It was a simple sentence. Yet nothing made him question things more. 

“Wha… Why?” Bill wasn’t sure what he was asking why to. But he still wanted to know. 

“Oh uh, said it was because I was heading this way? But I don’t know. Seemed all sad about it so I assume he just didn’t want to see you again.”

“Duder! Why would you assume that?”

“Uh… don’t tell him but he came home all sad one day. Earlier that week he had mentioned maybe having you over, you usually keep a smile on his face so I asked where you were and he said you weren’t gonna come over again or something about you not wanting to and was all sulkish about it.”

“And… what? You just don’t care?”

“I stay out of his stuff.”

Bill hated that. The image of Ted sulking, maybe actually crying and Deacon coming in the room and asking about Bill and just making him feel worse. Or walking off on Deacon as Ted said he wasn’t coming over again. Or maybe it was over dinner—

“So, this is like, a few shirts or something. Some small little toys or whatever stupid stuff you guys kept.”

The box was just a shoebox. One that he had seen when Ted first got his new converse. Ones they had spent lunch drawing on. 

And he hated how scared he was to be around Ted because he knew it always made him so happy. But now it was most heinous because he was watching him be hurt from a world away and it still was painful. 

Bill grabbed the box and put one hand on the door. “Thanks, Deacon.” And he closed it. 

  
  


* * *

Five minutes later he had a glass of lemonade and the box sitting in front of him on the floor. There was a lot of staring at it. Until he realized he just… he couldn’t handle it. So he opened it and staring back at him was that big stupid jacket that very much wasn’t his. It was that one he would take before they went on walks late at night. With a huge smiley face at the back and snap up buttons he always felt comfortable in. 

Bill picked it up, setting it to the side. And under was a photo he remembered taking in January the while back. A sleepover that resulted in a snow-in that meant school was canceled and it turned into a whole nother day. It was big smiles and pajamas, except Bill’s didn’t fit him the best but they were still smiling. 

Bill spent longer looking at it then he’d like to say, the only thing stopping him was the footsteps passing his door, making him shove it under the jacket. 

After that there was small stuff, a broken plastic car he had brought over when they had been bored and wanted to see what was inside. A magazine they had looked over together that sparked him cutting one of his shirts in half to crop it.

Though of course there was his biggest excuse. Bill’s favorite shirt. 

It was something simple, a crop top he had cut at Ted’s house. They had written phrases toward the hem of it and had a few doodles on it. Just a simple white shirt, yet he never really got to wear it. 

That was always the thing, if Bill was already at Ted’s house and Ted asked if Bill could stay over it was more likely there would be a yes. So it was always “Hey, forgot my shirt at Ted’s, gonna go pick it up and talk over some class notes.” And then an hour and a half later the call would come and they crossed their fingers hoping for a yes. 

But he had it back now. 

  
  
  


* * *

  
  
  


Thirty minutes later Bill had that crop top on and that jacket and he couldn’t help but look at himself in the mirror. To think of it as an ending outfit. One that hurt more than he could say. 

“Hey, kid, why look so sad when you have such a nice outfit on?” Missy asked, hanging in the doorway of the bathroom. 

Bill felt instantly self-conscious of the look, it felt something stupidly personal yet he had forgotten to close the door to get his privacy. He was used to just having it. 

“Oh, I just uh… am missing something.”

“Then go get it, I’ll give you twenty dollars and a ride if ya need to go out and get it. You certainly got a different style but it works when you put it together. Go get what you need. ” She offered. 

“I can’t just go out and get it Missy— I mean mom. It’s late.”

“Well even if it’s late that doesn't mean the store is closed yet. You could be in a situation where they close later than you think, or maybe you just passed what you wanted and need to go back. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’ll make ya feel better about this. So go get it, you’ll make it work.”

“I’ll uh… I’ll figure it out. Thanks.”

“I have ya covered.”

Bill turned, pausing for a moment. It was weird appreciating Missy in a normal way. Definitely not a mom way, but still in a more normal way than usual. 

Bill didn't have this planned out, and though Missy had been talking about clothes, he found it oddly fitting for everything else. Though it wasn’t anything new, he had been thinking about breaking up with Jennifer for a few days. He just… felt bad at the least. This didn’t feel right. And he knew he was being dishonest and he couldn’t handle being terrible to multiple people at once. 

He had changed clothes and was now at the landline, pressing in those numbers he still had written down by the phone. 

Bill wasn’t sure how this was supposed to go, breaking up with someone made him nervous and he had never actually dated anyone before. But he tried to keep to the point quickly, which worked well enough. 

She didn’t seem upset. But he also wasn’t… he didn’t know what she sounded like when she was super upset. He didn’t know her favorite things or her old friends or what she did during winter. 

He hadn’t hung onto that information from her. But he did with Ted. 

  
  


* * *

  
  


After that Bill... decided to call it a night. He changed out of the outfit that he had had no good reason to have on in the first place and got ready for bed. It wasn't much different than how it used to be. He used to think about Ted a lot! It was always about what would happen next, what they would do next time they hung out, or when. Or even about how his hair looked in the sunlight or his little nods or anything close to that.

But he had been thinking those thoughts just before his dad had made a comment about it. And for some reason, he kept at it.

"I swear he acts like he's dating you, weird."

"You should cut back with the gay stuff with your friend. People will get the wrong idea and you won't get into college or won't get a job."

"Why don't you get a real girlfriend instead of Ted? We don't need any rumors going around." 

"How did you two become so close? Act like a couple of girls."

One time he said something like that in front of Missy, earned him a light smack and a "Hey if they want to act like gays who cares!" Though his dad only scoffed and claimed it a joke. 

And after that, he tried to ignore those thoughts. To say he was relieved when Ted got grounded would seem mean, but he thought maybe, just maybe, he would stop thinking of him like that. Broaden his horizons a tiny bit, as his dad had suggested. 

There he met a girl and then they were dating and a few days later his dad met her, and he and Missy seemed to love her to pieces. It was strange how he almost seemed proud when they had their small introduction, how he had this almost smug smile and patted him on the back with a "Looks like you actually took my words to heart. Good on you." That night he had a later curfew than he usually had when he hung out with Ted. 

Jennifer was a nice girl, they had cool enough conversations and she did gymnastics which was cool to watch her practice after school. And they got to go out and do cool things, it was like a different version of Ted. Except he was still thinking of Ted, though he tried to just not think about it. Especially after she had said, "Yeah, honestly I was a bit worried when you asked me out. My friends said that you were probably like… gay. With that friend of yours or whatever."

So when Ted was ungrounded and got to asking where he went, he didn't know how to say "Oh I got a girlfriend and need to stop thinking of you so much now." So he instead said "Oh I'm busy" which extended to saying "I have homework", "my dad wants to go out tonight", "I've got some other plans."

The more he did it the more heinous Bill felt. Ted always looked most bummed out by it, which was always the last of his goals. He didn't know how to tell his best friend he had broken the most essential unspoken rule of their exceptional relationship which was "Tell your bro if you have a babe."

But when he imagined breaking the news and Ted looking so sad. So… upset. He had seen his best friend upset at countless things, bogus grades, arguments with his dad, missing his mom, and general future fears. Or even just nightmares. Bill had valued being able to comfort him, to be able to reassure him that things would be alright, that they could stick together and change the world together. But he knew if he told Ted about the girlfriend thing… he'd be upset.

One night in particular he could remember Ted looking most troubled. And when questioned on it, Ted simply asked what they would do if they didn't have each other. The somber note breaking the night in half. And on that chord, Bill promised they would always have each other. Because he couldn't imagine a life without Ted, and seeing him so sad he went to the first thing he could think of. 

That was one of the only things playing in his head on his way home on his bike the other day. That smile that Ted had when Bill had promised that they'd always stay together was all he could think about when he heard those words "he said you weren’t gonna come over again or something about you not wanting to and was all sulkish about it."

He was supposed to be the thing that stood by Ted. Supposed to support each other when things went wrong and help each other and be best friends. 

But Bill messed up when he started thinking about Ted in the ways his father joked about. He messed up when he did that. And in trying to fix his fuck up he hurt the person that mattered most.

And he was right. Ted had been upset about the girlfriend thing. He was obviously most disheartened by the whole encounter. But Bill had never thought that he would get that close to making him cry. He never thought he would be responsible for the tears he often attempted to keep away from Ted. 

Yet it was his rotten words that did it. And it would be a lie to say he didn't know a different delivery would have had a different outcome. But he got so god damn scared. Scared that people would see them like that again, that that type of stuff would hurt Ted's future. Scared his dad would think of him like that, that thing he so obviously didn't like. Even if it wasn't hatred, it was still dislike and he didn't want to be seen like that. 

Despite all of that being how he felt, despite how scared he was. He knew now, laying on his bed and looking at the old glow in the dark stars that were faded by time, that hurting Ted was much worse than anything his father could ever think of him.

Unfortunately, he was in the most sticky position. He had been most heinously mean to his best friend and wanted to make it right. Tell the truth… though that seemed unfair to Jennifer. Because she was still real and most admirable. He was just bad at admiring. Which wasn't her fault though… he knew it was unfair to keep her involved. Especially when he was going to talk to Ted again. 

Bill thought this all over while he laid in his bed, though eventually his eyes got heavy and it was just his thoughts keeping him awake. And then he wasn't awake. But off to sleep still unsure how the next day will play out.


End file.
